Bad Jokes and Bad Rockies
What is the first thing the cannibal did after dumping his girlfriend?
Wipe his butt...
I'm a big fan of stand up comedy. I'm also a big fan of cringeworthingly awful dirty jokes... The dumber the better... So this post might get offensive if you're not a fan of lame comedy. In fact, you might want to click away, because it could be dangerous to your health.
What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
Your job still sucks...
Also, over the past couple of months I've watched the Colorado Rockies go from leading the National League West to being in danger of losing the second Wild Card spot, to the Milwaukee Brewers of all teams... Since I've lived in Denver, I've watched the Rockies underachieve, disappoint and discover new ways to lose games. There's been a lot of bad baseball played in Colorado during my time living here. I've often compared Rockies baseball to a bad joke...
What's the difference between and oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
With the exception of their 2007 "Deal with Satan" run of 21 wins in 22 games, that brought the Rox to the World Series. And subsequent quick disposal by the insufferable Boston Red Sox, and all their obnoxious fans that surfaced out here. The Rockies have had season after season of below average results at best. And even that is generous...
For now, I'm going to focus mainly on the early years in franchise history. This is by no means an all-inclusive list of the bad during the first 8 or so seasons of Denver's team. I don't have enough Rockies commons nor terrible jokes to cover all that misery. So here is some of what I've got... We'll start by taking the high road...
What do Catholic Priests and McDonald's have in common?
They both like to stick their meat in seven year old buns...
2017 started off a little different. The young pitching and potent offense seemed like a mix that Colorado has never really had... Yet there was always that nagging doubt 2017 really would be any different.
Even as they spent the first two months in first place, I knew they'd fall back.
And they did...
Even while running neck and neck with the Arizona D-Bag's for the Wild Card, I knew they'd fall back.
And they are...
So here are some more Rockies disappointments... And more bad jokes...
Crowded elevators smell different to Midgets.
Kent Bottenfield came to Colorado via trade with the Montreal Expos, in July 1993. He was acquired in a swap for Butch Henry. Two young struggling pitchers, both with decent upside. Henry pitched two and a half seasons for the Expos before arm injuries derailed his career. Bottenfield's Rockies career lasted 29 games of a 6.04 ERA. Colorado released him in July 1994. Bottenfield bounced back, lasting another 7 seasons in the major leagues, as a slightly below average starting pitcher.
What do you do with a year's worth of used condoms?
Melt them into a tire and call it a goodyear...
John Burke was a Colorado native (from Durango), and the Rockies first ever amateur draft pick (June 1992). In 1991, Burke was the 6th overall pick of the Houston Astros, but he didn't sign. A top starting pitcher out of the University of Florida, Burke was a no brainer pick for Colorado... You're going to need strong pitching to build an expansion team, and Burke was that coming into the draft, and a local draw was a huge plus. But he has to live up to that potential...Poor control and highly hittable pitches stalled his career. Burke did throw 75 innings for Colorado in 1996-1997, but the numbers were awful, and Burke was out of the game by 1998.
Why did the semen cross the road?
Because you wore the wrong socks today...
Choo Freeman was the Rockies 1st Round pick in 1998, out of high school in Texas. Drafted as a potential star centerfielder, his five tool talent never developed. Torii Hunter's cousin played parts of three seasons with the Rockies, hitting a disappointing .225/.296/.333 in 151 games, with 3 home runs and 6 stolen bases between 2004-2006. After a decent season in AAA for the LA Dodgers in 2007, Choo left baseball.
What's white and 14 inches long?
Nothing.
Mike Hampton...
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.
The other is used to carry groceries.
Greg Harris was acquired by Colorado with Bruce Hurst for Brad Ausmus, Andy Ashby and Doug Bochtler, in July 1993. This has to rank as one of the worst trades in Rockies history. Hurst pitched 3 games and 8 innings before getting hurt, and was gone at the end of the 1993 season. Harris, and his glorious mullet, pitched half of 1993 and all of 1994 with Colorado, posting a terrible 6.60 ERA, with an appropriate record of 4-20. Harris signed with the Minnesota Twins for the 1995 season, and managed to pitch even worse. 0-5, 8.82 in 7 games before getting released. A comeback with San Diego was attempted and aborted in 1996.
Ausmus (18 seasons), Ashby (14) and Bochtler (6) all played many more seasons in the majors, Ashby and Ausmus at near all star levels.
What do you do when you see someone having a seizure in a bathtub?
Throw in a load of laundry!
Taken from the Chicago Cubs in the Expansion Draft, the Rockies stuffed Hawblitzel in AAA Colorado Springs for 4 seasons. I wanted him to succeed because Hawblitzel is fun to say... The control pitcher didn't pan out. Lasting only 8 games and 15 innings for the 1996 Colorado Rockies. After three more seasons in AAA for Philadelphia, Florida and the Angels, Hawblitzel retired. And the game was down another funny name...
A baby seal walked into a club...
Howard Johnson was signed to be pinch hitter/4th outfielder before the 1994 season. Not so far removed from a string of 30 home run and 30 stolen base seasons, Johnson didn't hit for much of an average, but did draw decent amount of walks and had good power numbers. They didn't get much and didn't pay him much. After the 1994 season, Johnson left for the Chicago Cubs. Not a joke or that bad of a move on either part, I just liked this card.
What is the square root of 69?
Ate something...
Colorado's first round pick (18th overall) in the 1997 draft. Mangum only pitched 65 innings of Rookie League ball for the Rockies, then was sent to the Montreal Expos in the Mike Lansing trade, after the 1997 season. His career never took off and he stalled at AA, leaving baseball in 2002, at the age of 23.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He worked it out with a pencil...
Another top prospect acquired by Colorado on the day of the Expansion Draft. Mejia was traded to Colorado between rounds, from the LA Dodgers, for expansion pick Jody Reed. Mejia was only 22 when he debut for the 1993 Rockies, and was supposed to provide a solid bat at second base, with developing power and average defense. That power or bat never developed, and Colorado gave up on Mejia because of his defense after the 1995 season. Mejia then bounced between a few organization's AAA teams, and played professional baseball in Mexico and Korea until 2009.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent...
Neifi Perez is one of the Rockies I've always dumped on. He wasn't awful by any means, but he never lived up to the potential most thought he had. So he became the poster boy for the franchises long established ineptitude. Perez was an average shortstop for Colorado from 1997-2001, when he was traded to the Kansas City Royals. As he got older, he skills slowly deteriorated. After the trade, he wasn't the same player again... He left Kansas a year later, to play for the Giants, then the Cubs, then Tigers... Perez was hit with a series of P.E.D. suspensions in 2007, which was it for his career. Colorado had thought of offering him a minor league contract before the 2008 season, but didn't end up doing it...
What is the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
A prostitute can wash her crack and resell it...
Petrick was Colorado's 2nd Round Pick in 1995, out of high school, and progressed rapidly through the Rockies minor league system. He was a top prospect and our future at catcher, and played very well in limited duty with the Rockies in 1999-2001. Then his production fell off a cliff. It wasn't publicly known until Petrick announced his retirement in 2004, but he had been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease after the 1999 season. Later, he found out it was actually late stage chronic lyme disease.
Well, that was kind of a downer...
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Bison.
Colorado needed pitching for their push towards the 1995 National League Wild Card, and traded Juan Acevedo and minor leaguer, Arnold Gooch (awesome name) to the New York Mets, for every-other-year star pitcher Bret Saberhagen. He was really good for the Mets leading up to the July 31st trading deadline... Then he got to Colorado and went down the toilet (2-1, 6.28 ERA)... Saberhagen did make one poor start for Colorado in the 1995 National League Division Series. Then he missed all of 1996 due to injury... The Rockies paid him a lot of money for no return.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding... He hasn't unwrapped his present yet...
Mo Sanford was a high walk, high strikeout guy that never could put it together, as either a starting pitcher or reliever. Given up on by the Reds, Rockies and Twins, in short order throughout the early 1990's. Sanford was a guy with tremendous talent that never got over the wildness that most power pitchers go through. At one point I held a grudge against Mo Sanford, through no fault of his own. But that's a story for another day...
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lyxalottapuss.
Bryn Smith was signed as a free agent in late December 1992, to provide veteran leadership to the starting rotation. After nine very good seasons with the Montreal Expos, Smith spent the previous three seasons battling injuries while pitching with the St. Louis Cardinals. His Rockies career didn't fare so well: 2-4, 8.49 ERA in 11 games, 5 starts. He retired in June 1993.
What's long and hard and full of semen?
A submarine.
Mark Thompson was drafted in the second round (after John Burke) in the 1992 draft. A control pitcher, Thompson bounced between AAA and the majors for the Rockies and Cardinals for 7 seasons. He left baseball with an 18-24 record with a career 5.74 ERA in 337 innings. Like Burke, Thompson was supposed to provide a steady arm for the early days of the Rockies starting rotation. That didn't happen. But unlike Burke, Thompson played for several years in the majors...
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
You'd run away too if your name was NNNNAEEAARRRGGAHHHHHHAAGGGJJJJSSCSDSCC!!
All right... That's enough of that...
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